Vile Vampires

In the hope of kick-starting the Sidestream & Old School section, which does seem to be turning into a Ghost Town, I thought I'd reanimate a discussion which died on us some weeks ago.

Essentially I was suggesting we nominate the Worst Vampire Movies Of All Time. Alas, it fizzled out in a discussion between me and World's Number One Expert Charlie on the thoroughly obscure subject of Jean Rollin.

Anyone feel like bunging in some other candidates?

Although I can ad nothing to this thread, I commend you for trying to re-start this section of the forum. Personally the Sidestream and Old School section is my favourite section of the board and I have been trying to re-start it recently as well.

Byron....there are simply hundreds..if not thousands of truly crap vampire flicks out there..(most of which go straight to vid/DVD). Vampires are one of those subjects that just about any up and coming film maker feels he can make...how hard can it be..right?

Wrong! The so called 'rules' of vampire tales vary so much from film to film, book to book and author to author that it's easy to think you are making something unique when really it's just hackneyed old cliches and lazy story telling.

I've seen films where one bite is enough to change someone into a vampire..others where they have to be drained completely..still others where the victim must drink the vampires blood to change.. and on one memorable occasion having sex with a vampire was enough to turn you! Some vamps shun daylight..others can go out (if they were enough sunblock :rolleyes: ) some vamps sleep in earth filled coffins..some in just coffins..some have reflections..some don't..some fear crucifixes..some don't.

'Embrace of The Vampire' (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109723/)starring Martin 'No Longer in Spandau Ballet or Eastenders and now doing sofa ads' Kemp as the vampire and it's truly crap!! It's a pile of soft porn pants!!

There was another one I saw which must have been made on a budget of about $20 (with change) about a College Frat of Vampires which was just awful but I can't remember the title (Thankfully).

At the moment I'll go with 'Embrace...' as the first truly bad vampire flick that comes to mind. But I'm sure I'll come up with more...


Oh! Oh!...what am I saying??? I almost forgot..I was IN one of the naffest vampire films ever...British Indie film 'Razorblade Smile' (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0159693/maindetails) had lots of potential but starred a model/stripper called Ilene Daly who couldn't act her way out of a paper bag. Director Jake West tried his best but I have to admit that the end product falls well short of the mark...Daly is just crap!!!!

Although I can ad nothing to this thread, I commend you for trying to re-start this section of the forum. Personally the Sidestream and Old School section is my favourite section of the board and I have been trying to re-start it recently as well.

Damn' right! When I first became a member, this was the section I always headed for first. I'm the first to admit people are making great movies out there today, but my abiding passion is for Classic Movies of yesteryear, and I suspect that's true of many other members.

How's this for an idea to revitalise S&OS: maybe a bunch of us could take it in turns to nominate a Golden Oldie Of The Week, be it film (as you did recently for The Third Man), star,director etc? And the rest of us could just spend the week coming in with our thoughts on that subject.

Answer me this: when was the last time you saw Cary Grant mentioned on these pages?

O tempora! O mores!

Byron....there are simply hundreds..if not thousands of truly crap vampire flicks out there..(most of which go straight to vid/DVD). Vampires are one of those subjects that just about any up and coming film maker feels he can make...how hard can it be..right?

Wrong! The so called 'rules' of vampire tales vary so much from film to film, book to book and author to author that it's easy to think you are making something unique when really it's just hackneyed old cliches and lazy story telling.

I've seen films where one bite is enough to change someone into a vampire..others where they have to be drained completely..still others where the victim must drink the vampires blood to change.. and on one memorable occasion having sex with a vampire was enough to turn you! Some vamps shun daylight..others can go out (if they were enough sunblock :rolleyes: ) some vamps sleep in earth filled coffins..some in just coffins..some have reflections..some don't..some fear crucifixes..some don't.

'Embrace of The Vampire' (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109723/)starring Martin 'No Longer in Spandau Ballet or Eastenders and now doing sofa ads' Kemp as the vampire and it's truly crap!! It's a pile of soft porn pants!!

There was another one I saw which must have been made on a budget of about $20 (with change) about a College Frat of Vampires which was just awful but I can't remember the title (Thankfully).

At the moment I'll go with 'Embrace...' as the first truly bad vampire flick that comes to mind. But I'm sure I'll come up with more...


Oh! Oh!...what am I saying??? I almost forgot..I was IN one of the naffest vampire films ever...British Indie film 'Razorblade Smile' (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0159693/maindetails) had lots of potential but starred a model/stripper called Ilene Daly who couldn't act her way out of a paper bag. Director Jake West tried his best but I have to admit that the end product falls well short of the mark...Daly is just crap!!!!

. . . Meanwhile, back in the crypt . . .

(Apologies for the double post, but I wanted to do justice to both responses without perpetrating a War And Peace - long post.)

I know what you mean about the "rules". It used to puzzle me when I was 16 that even Hammer couldn't be consistent about what killed vampires and what didn't. Carmilla could survive things Dracula couldn't, for a start. And though they tried to wriggle out of that one in Captain Kronos by suggesting there were different sub-species of vampires, that wouldn't explain how the rules could change within series. I mean, I can believe a vampire could be drowned in a flowing river (as in Dracula: Prince of Darkness) , but turning a sprinkler on them in Satanic Rites of Dracula ??????

Thanks for the (anti-) recommendations. I hope to catch EotB and RBS (Royal Bank of Scotland?) some day soon. In the meantime, can I draw the attention of the panel to Vampira, for which David Niven deserved a medal in that he must have known what a pile of dingo's kidneys it was but still managed to maintain his trademark Suave throughout. Actually it's almost worth seeing for Peter Bayliss as the butler. No it isn't.

I mean, I can believe a vampire could be drowned in a flowing river (as in Dracula: Prince of Darkness) , but turning a sprinkler on them in Satanic Rites of Dracula ??????

Yeah..traditionally there are several ways to kill a vampire but the stake 'n' sunlight theory is the one that was used most in vampire films (esp Hammer) but I think about three films into the Dracula series someone at Hammer got a big book of vampire folklore for Christmas and started digging up all these obscure beliefs from Eastern Euorpean contries about how to kill vamps and crow-barred them into the scripts to avoid having the same stake and/or sunlight ending.

In Dracula:Prince of Darkness he goes under the ice, right?
http://www.shatterhand007.com/ChristopherLee/LEEDraculaIce.jpg..but the traditional folklore states that a vampire cannot CROSS running water..nothing about running water killing a vampire. And that isn't running water anyway..it's a castle moat..and it's frozen!!

In 'Brides of Dracula' Peter Cushing as Van Helsing contradicts his statement in the original Hammer 'Dracula', telling the Priest (Fred Johnson) that some vampires "have the power to transform themselves into bats" and offering burning as an alternative method of destroying the undead.

In Satanic Rites of Dracula the Count is done for after getting tangled in a hawthorn bush (which apparently is abhorant to vampires because Christ's crown of thorns came from it)

Garlic is traditionally used to keep vampires away..but it does not necessarily kill them...

Holy water, wafer and crucifixes are supposed to protect you from vampires as they find them repellent...but Anne Rice's vamps handle crosses with no ill effect.

And as for vampires having sex...puh-lease!! :rolleyes: Vamps are un-dead, they're heart does not beat..ergo no pulse..no pulse= no blood flow..no blood flow= no erection..no erection= no sex!



Anyway...as for truly naff films the recent Swedish offering 'Frostbite' must score high in the 'that's 90 mins of my life I won't get back' stakes. A really good concept (vampires inside the arctic circle where night lasts a month) but carried out so badly...and just as night falls and all the vampires come out...the film ends. WTF???

I think about three films into the Dracula series someone at Hammer got a big book of vampire folklore for Christmas and started digging up all these obscure beliefs from Eastern Euorpean contries about how to kill vamps and crow-barred them into the scripts to avoid having the same stake and/or sunlight ending.

Brill apercu there, Charlie. I wonder they never tried the legend that if you sprinkle rose petals all over a graveyard, the vampire can't leave until he's picked up every last one. Not I grant you a recipe for a fast-moving action film.


In Dracula:Prince of Darkness he goes under the ice, right?
http://www.shatterhand007.com/ChristopherLee/LEEDraculaIce.jpg..but the traditional folklore states that a vampire cannot CROSS running water..nothing about running water killing a vampire. And that isn't running water anyway..it's a castle moat..and it's frozen!!

. . . and yet in the sequel, Dracula Has Risen From The Grave, he's found under the ice of a frozen stream just below his castle. So presumably the moat of Castle Drac is fed from a stream which somehow contrives to run uphill.


In 'Brides of Dracula' Peter Cushing as Van Helsing contradicts his statement in the original Hammer 'Dracula', telling the Priest (Fred Johnson) that some vampires "have the power to transform themselves into bats" and offering burning as an alternative method of destroying the undead.

In Satanic Rites of Dracula the Count is done for after getting tangled in a hawthorn bush (which apparently is abhorant to vampires because Christ's crown of thorns came from it)

By the end of the series I was feeling downright sorry for the poor things. There were so many ways to kill them, they should have been declared an Endangered Species.


Holy water, wafer and crucifixes are supposed to protect you from vampires as they find them repellent...but Anne Rice's vamps handle crosses with no ill effect.


That one has always puzzled me. Why should a crucifix repel a vampire? The best answer I can come up with is that by raising it, the goody is invoking his Redeemer to save him from evil. And of course, if the goody has led a blameless life, is in a state of grace and has Faith that can move mountains and charity to boot, then his Redeemer might well be expected to intervene personally on his behalf. Thing is, that would apply against all evil beings - muggers, pervs, traffic wardens - not just vampires. The idea Hammer plugged, that an evil vampire who couldn't touch a cross without combusting could get his equally evil un-converted servant to pluck it from the maiden's throat, doesn't hold water at all.


And as for vampires having sex...puh-lease!! :rolleyes: Vamps are un-dead, they're heart does not beat..ergo no pulse..no pulse= no blood flow..no blood flow= no erection..no erection= no sex!

Hang on (and please - elderly members and those of an easily shocked disposition should proceed no further): don't forget all that blood he's been drinking all night. Nine pints per victim, isn't it? Haven't you ever woken up after a night on the razzle with a stiffy caused purely by the build-up of fluid in the urethra? I reckon the average vampire stud would be able to hold out as long as his bladder. That may explain why they're in such demand.

Brill apercu there, Charlie. I wonder they never tried the legend that if you sprinkle rose petals all over a graveyard, the vampire can't leave until he's picked up every last one. Not I grant you a recipe for a fast-moving action film

the other one is to scatter rice around the coffin while the occupant is out and the vamp, on his return, is (apparently) compelled to count every grain..this is supposed to keep him occupied long enough for the sun to rise and do the business.

As you say..a bit slow and long winded!

The Crucifix has the 'Holy' connection but according to 'Fright Night' you have to believe in the power of the crucifix for it to have any effect!

The Crucifix has the 'Holy' connection but according to 'Fright Night' you have to believe in the power of the crucifix for it to have any effect!

Something similar cropped up in Dracula Has Risen From The Grave. Chris Lee survived his staking because Barry Andrews was an atheist and refused to pray.

As for interesting takes on the powers of vampires, the Japanese have come up with some really original stuff. In Vampire Hunter D there was an interesting sequence in which a rope brigde was casting shadows along a dry river bed and a vampire could dive into the shadows as if they were water. Looked a bit rediculous but it made for a great action sequence in which humans were running along this river bed avoiding the crisscrossing shadows of the bridge, whilst a vampire swam around and around them, picking them off as they entered the shadows.

By the way Byron your idea for this section sounds great, I'll be participating.

Chinese vampire folklore also has some very weird beliefs. One sure way to kill a Chinese vampire is to attach a 'mystical talisman' to the vampire's forehead which is basically a sort of wrttien prayer that has to be attached to the vampire in order to over power it. A bit like hanging crucifixes or garlic on Western vamps. This practice can be seen in Chinese horror films such as 'Mr Vampire'
Chinese vamps are a whole diferent 'coffin of fish' as you can discover here (http://www.pennyblood.com/chinesevampires.html)

One eastern European country (I think it might be Moldavia) has the belief that while the vampire is sleeping in the day you should steal one of his socks..yes, really...then dispose of the sock many miles away and on awakening the vamp is 'compelled 'to go look for his other sock (I'm not making this up)

I know all this crap because I used to write and draw a cartoon strip of vampire trivia* and I researched all these bizarre customs and folklores for material.






*'Count Factula (Transylvania's Titan of Trivia) presents The Coffin Of Curios'

Chinese vampire folklore also has some very weird beliefs. One sure way to kill a Chinese vampire is to attach a 'mystical talisman' to the vampire's forehead which is basically a sort of wrttien prayer that has to be attached to the vampire in order to over power it.

It sure beats pinning a "Kick Me Hard" sign to his bum, I grant you that.

Love the concept of the Hopping Vampire. I imagine them using trampolines for added lift. What price Blood Of Dracula's Bouncy Castle?

One eastern European country (I think it might be Moldavia) has the belief that while the vampire is sleeping in the day you should steal one of his socks..yes, really...then dispose of the sock many miles away and on awakening the vamp is 'compelled 'to go look for his other sock (I'm not making this up)

Now that one has real class! You or I, if we came on a vampire alseep, we'd content ourselves with sticking a stake through his heart. But the Moldavians (or is it Moldovans?) post his sock off somewhere like Glenrothes or Rotherham or Milton Keynes whose inhabitants are badly in need of a vampire, so he can limp off and exsanguinate them. Respect!

Back on the subject of naff Vampire films..there is a film called 'Revenant' (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120805/) (in the UK..I believe it has the somewhat unimaginative title 'Modern Vampires' in the US) which stars Caspar Van Dien, Craig Fergusson, Kim Cattrell, Udo Kier (and what vampire film would be complete without Herr Kier?) Robert Pastorelli and Rod Steiger!!

Steiger plays Frederick Von Helsing (now German, not Dutch) a former Nazi who teams up with some 'homies from da hood' to kill vampires. Robert Pastorelli plays a character called 'The Count' (guess who he turns out to be :rolleyes: ). Craig Fergusson plays an English vampire (all tweed suit and 'I say, old chap! Pip-pip, don'cha know!' ..He's like Bertie Wooster with fangs!)..Kim Cattrell is an Eastern European vampire and spends the whole film doing a poor Zsa Zsa Gabor impression ("Vot do you vant, Dar-link?") and Udo Kier is just camper than a Scout jamboree, bless 'im!.

Set in LA, The Count has a henchman (played by an American) who has the worst 'c0ckney' accent since Dick Van Dyke ("Me Master's gunna injoy killin' you ya wanka!!" :rolleyes: ) and at one point he gets engulfed in flames and actually shouts 'Blimey!!!' (as you would when engulfed in flames...."Blimey, Guv'nor!! You've gone an' torched me good and proper an no mistake!!")

This film also has the dubious distinction of being the only vampire film I'vce ever seen where having sex with the undead can turn you into one of them!!!

As a vampire film it's dreadful..as an intentionally funny comedy it's worth a look!

Although I can ad nothing to this thread, I commend you for trying to re-start this section of the forum. Personally the Sidestream and Old School section is my favourite section of the board and I have been trying to re-start it recently as well.By the way Byron your idea for this section sounds great, I'll be participating.

Yes off of the Vile Vampire topic for a mo, but I'm game as well. I have also typed my fingers to the bone over the years starting threads in here about classic movies and long dead stars.

With the amount of crap films being produced in recent years, (and of course some great ones too) but anyway, a person could spend the rest of their life trying to see all of the really great old movies gathering dust out here.

Ok I am done now. :)

"I Am Legend"


Weeellllll, because there ain't no vampires in it. How the heck can you do Richard Matheson's "I Am Legend" without vampires. Other than "Omega Man". Ohhhhhhh, this is gonna be maximum suckage. :(

"I Am Legend"


Weeellllll, because there ain't no vampires in it. How the heck can you do Richard Matheson's "I Am Legend" without vampires. Other than "Omega Man". Ohhhhhhh, this is gonna be maximum suckage. :(

They filmed it before - with vampires - and Vincent Price - in 1964 as The Last Man On Earth. I've never met anyone who's seen it, however.

They filmed it before - with vampires - and Vincent Price - in 1964 as The Last Man On Earth. I've never met anyone who's seen it, however.Are you trying to kill Paler, that is his favorite movie. He's watched it enough for the whole world.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v504/ozma/lastmanlaugh.gif

Are you trying to kill Paler, that is his favorite movie. He's watched it enough for the whole world.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v504/ozma/lastmanlaugh.gif

Ooh Lor', guv'nor! 'Ave I put me plates of meat in it?

Sorry, Paler. My arrival on the Frog accidentally coinciding with your absence, I wasn't aware of your passion for this product. You have earned my deep and abiding envy - as has Oz for having seen The Island Of Lost Souls which refuses to cross the Atlantic.

Ooh Lor', guv'nor! 'Ave I put me plates of meat in it?

Sorry, Paler. My arrival on the Frog accidentally coinciding with your absence, I wasn't aware of your passion for this product. You have earned my deep and abiding envy - as has Oz for having seen The Island Of Lost Souls which refuses to cross the Atlantic.And don't forget Alice in Wonderland 1933. :)

I am sure he will understand. Sorry, I should not have chided you.

And don't forget Alice in Wonderland 1933. :)

I am sure he will understand. Sorry, I should not have chided you.

I forgive you, Oz my sweet.

(For the chiding. Not for having seen that Alice when I bleedin' haven't.)

I forgive you, Oz my sweet.

(For the chiding. Not for having seen that Alice when I bleedin' haven't.)Thank you for that. Maybe one of these days "they" will put it on DVD, well both of the damn movies.

They filmed it before - with vampires - and Vincent Price - in 1964 as The Last Man On Earth. I've never met anyone who's seen it, however.

I've got a copy on DVD...(Paler gave it to me! Honest, he did.. bless 'im)

I've got a copy on DVD...(Paler gave it to me! Honest, he did.. bless 'im)

He sounds like a lovely fellah.

I hope one day someone will love me that much . . . [Takes out onion]

Tell ya what Byron, I'll send you a primo widescreen DVD edition of "Last Man On Earth". Totally free without any strings attached. It's my whole meaning in life to turn people on to this most wonderful and excellent adaptaton of Richard Matheson's "I Am Legend". All you need do is PM me your snail mail and it will be off immediatley.

And your comment tickled me to death. As well as Chuck's and Ozma's. Byron, you'll soon get sick of where I shoehorn "Last Man On Earth" into many, many posts. It's my job. It's what I do.


And by the by, hello Byron!


Paler

Tell ya what Byron, I'll send you a primo widescreen DVD edition of "Last Man On Earth". Totally free without any strings attached. It's my whole meaning in life to turn people on to this most wonderful and excellent adaptaton of Richard Matheson's "I Am Legend". All you need do is PM me your snail mail and it will be off immediatley.

And your comment tickled me to death. As well as Chuck's and Ozma's. Byron, you'll soon get sick of where I shoehorn "Last Man On Earth" into many, many posts. It's my job. It's what I do.


And by the by, hello Byron!


Paler

Ya see, Byron?? Wot a diamond geezer, eh?

Ya see, Byron?? Wot a diamond geezer, eh?

A prince among men, Charlie, a veritable prince among men.

It will be in the mail this week Byron. Don't know how long it will take to get there. I do so hope you have an "all regions" player.

It will be in the mail this week Byron. Don't know how long it will take to get there. I do so hope you have an "all regions" player.

Ah. Sorry, old son. Best save yourself a stamp. I knew it was too good to be true.

Naw, I'll find a region 2 version and send it. YOU need to see this movie. My treat. ;)

Naw, I'll find a region 2 version and send it. YOU need to see this movie. My treat. ;)

This is getting Above And Beyond The Call Of Duty. Diamond geezer indeed.

This is getting Above And Beyond The Call Of Duty. Diamond geezer indeed.

He is that indeed!

Just don't let him anywhere near your teeth!

'Is it safe?' ;) :D

He is that indeed!

Just don't let him anywhere near your teeth!

'Is it safe?' ;) :D

To judge by the gentleman's taste in movies, I shan't be letting myself near his either.

But nor should I be talking of you in the third person, Paler (which incidentally I note is an anagram of Pearl.) Many thanks, you positively splendid person, you.

Hey some one identify this vampire movie (by someone I mean Charlie).

Saw it many many years ago, but it was European possibly Italian and involved a guy hunting vampires, but then he allowed himself to be a vampire at the end because he loved the head female vampire. Then at the end he let her bite him and they got naked and got into a coffin on the beach. The female vampire told him they would have sex in the coffin until the ocean took them to an island where they could live free. The end had the ocean sweeping the coffin out to sea.

My god that description sounded rediculous.

Hey some one identify this vampire movie (by someone I mean Charlie).

Saw it many many years ago, but it was European possibly Italian and involved a guy hunting vampires, but then he allowed himself to be a vampire at the end because he loved the head female vampire. Then at the end he let her bite him and they got naked and got into a coffin on the beach. The female vampire told him they would have sex in the coffin until the ocean took them to an island where they could live free. The end had the ocean sweeping the coffin out to sea.

My god that description sounded rediculous.

Coffins on the beach is very much the trademark of Charlie's all-time favourite director, Jean Rollin. From your description I'd guess at either Le Viol De Vampire or Levres De Sang, but we'll have to await the verdict of the Oracle.

Coffins on the beach is very much the trademark of Charlie's all-time favourite director, Jean Rollin. From your description I'd guess at either Le Viol De Vampire or Levres De Sang, but we'll have to await the verdict of the Oracle.

Jean Rollin was my first thought but I held back on replying until I can varify it. A lot of his films (in my head at least ) blurr into one long bizarre, soft porn film. I think it probably is Rollin but I'll get back to you...I may have to consult 'My Big Book Of Jean Rollin Films' and that is at home...

'My Big Book Of Jean Rollin Films'

Coo! Now I know what I want for Xmas!

Cicerio says it might have been Italian ..and Jess Franco springs to mind...

I don't recognise the story line he posted but I will endeavour to discover what film it is.
Unfortunately I'm at work at present and all my vampire reference books are at home. However I have the Internet and a network of similarly vampire obsessed friends who might be able to throw some light (if you'll pardon the phrase) on this matter...

Cicerio says it might have been Italian ..and Jess Franco springs to mind...

I don't recognise the story line he posted but I will endeavour to discover what film it is.
Unfortunately I'm at work at present and all my vampire reference books are at home. However I have the Internet and a network of similarly vampire obsessed friends who might be able to throw some light (if you'll pardon the phrase) on this matter...

Gosh, but we're all waiting with bated breath . . .

Wait no longer...

The film in question is indeed a Jean Rollin film..it's original title is 'Levres de Sang'..but it's known in the US as 'Lips Of Blood' and was released on a new DVD in 2005

http://www.dvdmaniacs.net/Reviews/I-L/levres_de_sang.html

Sorry it took me so long.. :o

Wait no longer...

The film in question is indeed a Jean Rollin film..it's original title is 'Levres de Sang'..but it's known in the US as 'Lips Of Blood' and was released on a new DVD in 2005

http://www.dvdmaniacs.net/Reviews/I-L/levres_de_sang.html

Sorry it took me so long.. :ohttp://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t222/psionovore/0ab.jpg



Let me at it!

Haha brilliant Charlie. When I was 11 years old and watching that soft porn on tv at 12 at night it was brilliant. Also what I loved was once the movie ended the Australian host that introduced it (a Roger Ebert type) then laughed at the tiny size of the man's penis in the final scene.

Haha brilliant Charlie. When I was 11 years old and watching that soft porn on tv at 12 at night it was brilliant. Also what I loved was once the movie ended the Australian host that introduced it (a Roger Ebert type) then laughed at the tiny size of the man's penis in the final scene.


That water was probably quite chilly!!

And although I confirmed it..it was Byron who correctly guessed which film it was first..

That water was probably quite chilly!!

And although I confirmed it..it was Byron who correctly guessed which film it was first..

You're a gentleman and a scholar to mention the fact, Charlie. Not that anyone ever thought you weren't.

I have indeed seen a still of the scene to which you allude, and am moved to quote an anecdote told by Harry Andrews as Dr Knox in the long-forgotten 1971 film Burke and Hare:

"So I said to him, 'Get your drawers off, man! I canna examine you with your drawers on!'
'I'm embarrassed,' says he.
'Nonsense!' says I. 'Why should ye be?'
'It's ma . . . person, doctor. It's very small.'
'I dinna doubt I've seen smaller,' says I, so he duly drops them.
Well at first I couldna see a thing. The I spies a wee mushroom peepin' though the heather.
'Aye,' says I, 'it is indeed, er, rather small . . . tell me, do ye ever get an erection?'
And with tears in his eyes he replied: 'Doctor, I've got one the noo!'

Buddum-dum~tish!

Ok here's another movie for you. I saw it on the same channel at the same age as they were doing a long run of these old schlocky horror movies. This one I remember much less of. It had a good looking woman and maybe I think a man in a house that was haunted I believe. I remember a scene where the woman was trapped in a giant spider web and a fake looking spider was coming at her. Then it ended with the devil or at least a satan like man seducing the woman over to him and there was a large evil spectacle of dancing in the yard of the mansion at the end. The devil man had a painted blue and white face and was evily laughing.

I know this is a terrible description, but my memory is awful on this.

Ok here's another movie for you. I saw it on the same channel at the same age as they were doing a long run of these old schlocky horror movies. This one I remember much less of. It had a good looking woman and maybe I think a man in a house that was haunted I believe. I remember a scene where the woman was trapped in a giant spider web and a fake looking spider was coming at her. Then it ended with the devil or at least a satan like man seducing the woman over to him and there was a large evil spectacle of dancing in the yard of the mansion at the end. The devil man had a painted blue and white face and was evily laughing.

I know this is a terrible description, but my memory is awful on this.

My first thoughts regarding this was 'The Devil Rides Out' which has devil worship and a giant spider in a big house and Satanic rituals and dancing outside..however the spider isn't fake..it's a real spider badly super-imposed on the screen but real none the less and she's not in a web..

Unless Byron can say 'That sounds like..." I shall ponder on this longer

Really my memory of this movie is so bad that those things could all easily be changed and your description of the dancing seems accurate. I'll google 'The Devil Rides Out' and take a look at it.

Edit: Hhmm a quick google leads me to believe that 'The Devil Rides Out' is far too high quality to be the movie I am looking for. This did not have Christopher Lee in it and I am pretty sure it wasn't in English.

That sounds like . . . nothing I've ever seen or heard of in me life.

Ponder on, Charlie.